issues submit about masthead


by Doug Hawley

The bright and calm day. Specifically the intensity of the sun was 900 W/m^2 measured by pyranometer and the wind speed was 1.2 km/hr or 2 mph for Americans.

Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s …

You were right the first time, it was a bird.

How do you know?

From the white stuff on your shoulder.

I never sausage a day as this before.

So how is Jane doing?

She was doing great, but then she died.

Wasn’t she your wife or mother?

No, my cook. But the really important thing about her is that she always wore mauve.

Could you walk that back for me, you know what I mean?

Fer sher.

Please tell me.

Sometimes she wore orange, but she was really tall.

I wonder how her death issue impacts the cook community.

It’s been painful talking to you, but I just got here and want to go. Odd that you are my best friend. I stan peeps that are woke, lit and extra.

Hello, I’m Jane’s sister Penelope with a P.

She told me about her monkey, but never a sister.

She had really bad eyesight and couldn’t tell the difference.

You ARE very hairy.

I made a lot of money as the before picture for Nair hair remover.

Say, Penelope, are you doing anything Saturday?

Not a thing. They take the chains off tomorrow.

What do you think of avoiding each other then?

Counter offer – I take Jane’s position as cook. She taught me how to make squid chowder and absinthe.

I hate squid.

So it’s a deal?

You bet, and it comes with a healthy stipend, 500 razors or a week’s worth, whichever comes first. Because I’m a razor burn freak, you can sleep in my bed on Tuesdays.

You probably need my social security number, ape – 99-0000.

So Duke, what would you like for your first breakfast from me? My specialties are uncooked pancake mix and sausage.

I guess you are my cook for batter or wurst.